It gets better...
Recess was patrolled by women who were called noon aides. These were mothers who volunteered to help out at the local schools in one way or another. While I was being conditioned to hate, one of these women slowly walked by and scowled at me. She didn't seem to notice or care that I was busy wiping spit off my face with my sleeve. She just kept walking. When she was about ten feet away I caught the eye of one of my classmates. His real name is Frank but I remember him being called "Chip" by just about everyone. He was one of those big husky kids who looked two or three years older and bigger than everyone else. He charged into the circle, scattering the girls and almost knocking one of them to the ground. As I tried to run away one of them grabbed me by the collar and yanked me back. The noon aide grabbed Chip and began scolding him.
The circle closed and the early sociopath training continued.
When Adam Lanza massacred his way into infamy I was initially confused about his choice of targets. Then I remembered that he was an Asperger's sufferer and wouldn't be learning the social skills that allowed me to have a normal life after graduating high school.
All he had were his memories, possibly including some very ugly memories.
By the time Jr. High ended I was heavily suicidal, and just hearing about Columbine set me off on a plethora of revenge fantasies filled with dead bodies.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks that adults are so callous towards victims of bullying. I don't quite fully understand why but psychology shows that teachers often like/favor bullies and show contempt/dislikes towards their victims for some reason.
I think in some way they get sucked into the mob mentality of the children and join in hating the some people the children hate as a way to "fit in with the mob."
This may sound very pessimistic but it seems that it is (some) people's nature to be sadistic scum and it starts right away from birth, not bad experiences. Some people are just by nature psychopaths, so I'm not surprised that you did not have to go far and wide to cross paths with evil, a first grader could be as bad as anyone. Another interesting aspect about this story is the dynamic created between the bullies and the bystanders, the way they manage to attack and then when the victim is forced to defend himself (or some kind person stepping in) they feign victimhood and the bystanders treat the aggressor as the victim, I think it is one of the masterful skills of bullies, to be viewed favorable by the surrounding society while their chosen target gets a ruined reputation. In my experiences of being bullied, I always wondered why the bullies seemed to outsmart me, I still do not know. Like you, I did nothing to hurt anyone but after being attacked by a bully or a whole classroom, lead by the alpha bully, I retaliated (as anyone would) out of self defense and then the class would also get the teacher/authority against me and would receive additional attacks. Perhaps the reason that the bully is able to be a leader and control others is because people react to fear and kind, good people (like me...and you and other victims) do not care about terrorizing and controlling and are focused on building (learning in school) rather than destroying while bullies are sadists whose creative focus revolves around craftsmanship terrorizing, manipulating (bullying)...
ReplyDeleteI am in quite a poor condition after being bullied all of my life (like you, starting from early school years) and am glad to find information on the internet from other bullying victims (such as your blog) and hope my post can add to the brainstorming for figuring out why this world is the way that it unfortunately is.
If you look upon people as just another predatory species, most human behavior makes sense. In nature bullying serves to establish a social hierarchy. Those at the top of the hierarchy eat first and do most of the breeding. In nature this ensures that the strongest and presumably the most survivable members of the species pass their genes on to the next generation. In an industrial civilization like ours where most people end up reproducing anyway, it serves no purpose at all and produces a large number of very destructive people like Adam Lanza.
ReplyDeleteBullies are not mentally ill. They are just poorly socialized. When assholes reproduce they usually want their children to be feared by other people's children. Parental incompetence is a serious problem.
For your information, there are bullies who are mentally ill. For example, they engage in sociopathy and have no empathy for the harm that they cause for victims. Hell, I learned that bullies grow up to criminals. And that's when they're mental illness increases.
DeleteThere are auto mechanics who are mentally ill as well. But that's not why they become auto mechanics.
DeleteWhat are the social skills that you learned which allowed you to have a normal life?
ReplyDeleteI have no comprehensive list, but I can tell you what I did after high school.
DeleteI worked in a restaurant about 20 hours a week during my senior year. This put me in constant contact with the public, not always a pleasant experience but certainly an educational one. Shortly after graduation I worked full time in an industrial setting with a wide range of co-workers, both male and female from 18 to 65. I actually went to a couple of retirement parties before my 19th birthday. I also took college classes at night and went out with my friends on the weekend. I was busy and I interacted with a wide range of personalities in a wide range of settings. I learned how to relate to others in a way that a shut-in could not.
Adam Lanza seems to have stayed home, played videogames, and rarely interacted with other people. He had nothing to do but live inside his own head. When you do that...anything is possible.
Btw, you might be interested in exploring the mentality of mob psychology. There's a lot of that going on in bullying situations, and it can be very infectious in bystanders who either fear the mob, embrace it, or try to avoid drawing the unpleasant attention of the mob.
Delete"Ponzi Schemes, Invaders From Mars & More Extraordinary Popular Delusions and the Madness of Crowds" by Joseph Bulgatz is an excellent book on the subject of group behavior.
DeleteISBN 0-517-58830-7