Izzy Kalman is a "school psychologist with 33 years of experience in the New York schools" and the creator of Bullies to Buddies.
Here's a Psychology Today article about Kalman's dumb and dangerous ideas.
Kalman is promoting the idea that the current effort to treat bullying as a crime is a witchhunt and that bullies can somehow be turned into friends. That's not how it works Izzy. Bullies want to be feared and obeyed by as many people as possible. They need someone to dominate and humiliate in order to fulfill their family's sense of pride and they accomplish this by the time tested methods described here. In the same article as the "witchhunt" comment, Kalman even shamelessly places the burden of guilt on the victim of bullying.
"What I am interested in is victims and victim behavior. When I teach you how not to be a victim, no one can bully you. You don't have to wait for society to get rid of bullies for you to become happy."
Perhaps Kalman's techniques could be employed to protect women from being dominated by rapists or batterers. Hey ladies...once Izzy teaches you how not to be a victim...say...by blindly obeying the violent, abusive man in your life and by avoiding any sort of provocative clothing so that red-blooded American males won't be tempted...
You get the idea.
Only the lowest form of subhuman coward blames violence on the victim. And Kalman does this shamelessly. Izzy Kalman is dangerous to your children. Bullies and the criminally incompetent parents who raise them are not only laughing at him, they're thanking him for making it easier to brutalize and terrorize other people's children.
Why should terrorists feel guilty about harming people in a society that provides an ounce of credibility to a trained professional who knowingly puts your children at risk.
I hate Izzy Kalman for his ideas. Do you hate him too? If so, why do you sound like you're promoting terrorism? Terrorists are bullies. If you promote terrorism but speak out against bullying, haven't you become the being whom you're against?
ReplyDeleteI don't know Kalman well enough to hate him. I do hate what he represents. He belongs to a group of people who blame bullying on the victim's relative weakness to the bully and claims to be able to teach victims how not to be victims. I'd like to see him try such a sales pitch with victims of rape, burglary, or carjacking. Bullies are no different than other violent criminals. They purposely choose victims who are unlikely to harm them.
ReplyDeleteI'm not promoting terrorism.
Type I Terrorists are bullies who impose fear and suffering from a position of relative strength. They are doing what alpha male chimpanzees do instinctively.
Type II terrorists are attacking from a position of relative weakness and think of themselves as Davids punishing the Goliaths of the world. Often their formative years were defined by victimization and abuse. They have no reason to respect the moral arguments made by those who spew the empty rhetoric of civility or to trust social institutions that consistently failed to protect them. The fact that most of them are professionally incompetent tends to fool almost everyone into believing that they're insane or power mad.
My basic argument is that a society that places a remorseless sociopath like Ryan Tucker on a pedestal has no moral ground upon which to complain about the behavior of Timothy McVeigh or the Columbine killers.
Is that helpful Senor Anonymous?
Wow, it sure is helpful of what you told me, Fowl Ideas! And you're right in calling me senor because I'm male just like I believe that you are.
ReplyDeleteAbout Izzy, I've learned about that guy and I've learned what a self-righteous hypocrite and delusional bigot he is. Heck, he horrifies me when he blames bullied victims when it's really the fault of bullies just as it sickens me when he tries to influence victims into kissing up to bullies.
Another thing that sickens me about Izzy is that there are people who kiss up to him because they can't see his true colors. If you'd like me to, I can try to give you his contact information in case you want to show him who's boss.
Thankfully, I'm not the only who hates him. There other people who do. If you wish for me to give you proof, I'll try to find some websites that have proof.
I apologize for misjudging you. It's just that you kind of confused me with this blog. But now that you replied to me by giving me an explanation, I'm not confused anymore.
Plus, I thank you for taking the initiative to speak out against that demented, secretly evil, bully-promoting, and seemingly terrorist-supporting Kalman. Because of that, I think that this world needs more people who are similar to you.
If you ask me, I don't think that Kalman belongs in this world. He should take his own advice instead of forcing his standards on others.
Take care, Fowl Ideas.
But women can be taught to be poor rape targets. A woman who walks confidently and is aware of her surroundings is less likely to be attacked. Of course, in the end, there is no excuse for bullying or rape, and offenders should be punished. I just think the best way to solve any problem is to attack it from every angle.
ReplyDeleteI agree, though, that we don't react to sociopathy as we should. Our whole society becomes enthralled in the sociopath's charm and ego. Very unhealthy.
Uh, Fowl Ideas? Why didn't you put my second comment here? I was complimenting you.
ReplyDeleteI haven't found another comment.
ReplyDeleteSend it in again.
Paula,
ReplyDeleteObserve the way beautiful women throw themselves at even the most obvious sociopaths like Joran van der Sloot and Alex Kelly and you'll better understand the bitterness of men like George Sodini.
Apparently Fowl Ideas hasn't the Slightest Idea of which he/she speaks. As a mental health professional I can tell you that Izzy Kalman has a full grasp on the human dynamic of being a victim. To quote my favorite "New Yorker" cartoon, "Victim is not a good career choice." Just as running from a predating wild animal will instigate it to chase you down, so does victimhood instigate bullying. The veneer of civilization is razor thin, and it takes little to cut through it. At heart, we are all vicious predators. If I am smart, I won't tease this base nature of my fellow humans by presenting myself as a victim. This is not blaming the victim, this is just plain common sense. But perhaps this is an area of which Fowl Ideas is unfamiliar.
ReplyDeleteI make the following statements under the assumption that the individual who left the previous comment really is M.B. Allen LCSW. The person making the comment provided no link and could easily be a severely unbalanced crank; a distinct possibility given the nature of his/her comment. I conducted a very basic internet search for M.B. Allen LCSW and only came up with one person, a female. For that reason, I will refer to M.B. Allen as “she” in my response.
ReplyDeleteAllen begins by confidently declaring that I haven’t “the slightest idea of which I speak.” She does not cite any particular idea. Readers are left assuming that all of my ideas are inaccurate, presumably Ms. Allen’s intention.
Allen then defends Izzy Kalman by attempting to establish herself as a mental health “professional.” Readers are supposed to be impressed. I’m not. “Mental health professionals” are the good folks who bestowed upon the civilized world the gifts of Holding Therapy, Rebirthing, and almost certainly countless other similar horrors of medieval therapy. I provided links for the two that came to mind first. You can bet there are many more.
Allen spends the next few sentences reminding readers that victims are only getting what they deserve for bringing misfortune upon themselves. She compares being bullied to “running from a predating wild animal.” If bullies are “predating wild animals” then why is it illegal to kill them? She speaks the truth about the human species when she claims that “we are all vicious predators” but then follows up that statement by implying that victims of bullying are stupid. “If I am smart, I won’t tease this base nature of my fellow humans by presenting myself as a victim.” She conveniently omits any reference to parents who are supposed to civilize their “vicious predators” as a normal part of their duty to society as parents. M.B. Allen and Izzy Kalman are both the lowest form of bully enabler, victim blaming cowards who will not bring themselves to say anything critical about the offender. They remind me of jurors who blame rape on the fact that the victim was dressed provocatively. Pure, unadulterated scum.
M.B. Allen and Izzy Kalman both imply that bullying would cease to be a social problem if victims simply stood their ground. Standing one’s ground works well when facing a pest, someone with poor social skills who is annoying but not particularly violent. Bullies are violent criminals who enjoy hurting people. In most cases their parents are also criminals who enjoy hurting people. Bullies and most of their parents belong in prison.
Victimhood instigates bullying? We're all vicious predators? Then why do we have laws? Why do we have jails? Why do we have police? Why don't we all just dress like extras from "Conan the Barbarian" and use "kill or be killed" as the only rule?
ReplyDeleteAllen touches on it, but Kalman explains in greater detail that he doesn't want to solve bullying by a "legal" approach. He's even stated in several of his entries that anti-bullying laws would only turn schools into police states, and that too much time would be taken investigating and prosecuting bullies. Do ya think that might be helped by less bullying behavior happening?!?!?
We do not live in the jungle, the zoo, or in a state of anarchy, and neither do our children. We live in a society ruled by law, and not by "survival of the fittest." And if bullies are given that many free passes in school, because it's allegedly the victim's fault that bullies behave like animals, when should we expect them to "grow out of it," exactly? When they get 15 to life, maybe?
Both professionals are actually right on the self-help front. I agree that bullying victims need to keep their cool and not be intimidated. But justifying the behavior of these "predators" as natural, normal, and acceptable is flat-out wrong. What these folks need is to get down BOTH sides of the story, and not just the one that covers a school administration's a$$. On one side, victims need to keep their cool and not show chinks in their armor (if it weren't for the little gangstas, this wouldn't be necessary, but it is). On the other side, their tormentors need to be face REAL CONSEQUENCES for their behavior, and grow up FASTER and BETTER. Bullies do NOT run the school, no matter how much they act like it, and no matter how badly their parents spoil them!
Hi Fowl,
ReplyDeleteI read some of the text that "MB Allen" scrawled above. I also sniffed around the Izzy Kalman site for laughs.
I'll say right off that his solutions may possibly work to resolve minor conflicts, but one would be foolish to believe there is a "one size fits all" solution to bullying when it can differ in degree and severity.
Izzy Kalman is a salesman, not a public servant.
If one is generally speaking of "victimhood" as "MB Allen" does, one can infer that the target (the injured party) has most likely been the object of numerous instances of bullying behavior.
It is true that many kids lack a set of appropriate coping strategies which would allow them to better deal with bullies. As a result, clinicians often attempt to strengthen these individuals through offering sets of more appropriate strategies which will allow them to better deal with conflict AND the resulting negative emotions stemming from it. I'll also be the first to tell you that in a perfect world, we should not really have to do this. Regarding "victimhood," the burden should not have to fall on the injured party to change their behavior, no matter how beneficial it ends up being for them in the long run.
On the other hand, they will appear in your office long before the bullies ever will.
However there are limits...
Victims may be burdened with consequences spanning from mild annoyance to long term hospitalization. These case specific issues regarding bullying appear to escape folks such as "MB Allen" and Kalman.
"MB Allen" stated the following pearl of wisdom, "At heart, we are all vicious predators" along with some other foolishness. Try telling this to a victim of domestic violence or a rape victim. Last I knew, being a "vicious predator" generally involved behavior which is illegal.
While "MB Allen" might as well be stating that we are all criminals at heart, nothing could be further from the truth.
Take for example a wallet, bulging with dollars, which is found on the sidewalk. Some kids will return the wallet intact, while others will remove the money and return the rest. Another group will keep the money (and the credit cards) and throw the wallet in a dumpster. My point is that the individual who finds the wallet has to make a conscious choice regarding how to proceed, and this may result in several outcomes.
On the other hand, sophisticated "MB Allen" theories such as "we are all predators" and "victimhood instigates bullying" throw all of humanity into the same box. We are DEVO. These assertions appear as weak justifications of bullying behavior. Generalizations such as "all fellow humans" are predisposed with a "base nature" are completely hatstand and disregard acquired morals or conscience. In addition, most kids do not outright choose to present themselves as victims to the world. Outward manifestations of vulnerability are generally beaten into them. The perception that an individual is holding himself out as a victim sits squarely in the mind of the aggressor. It is purely subjective as the perceived vulnerability triggers an escalated set of behaviors in the aggressor, not vice versa.
Likewise, Kalman writes the following on his commercial website:
ReplyDelete"Bullying cannot be reduced by treating it like a crime. The behaviors that are being called bullying today are more appropriately called aggression or dominance behavior, and are part of the fabric of life. The attempt to outlaw human nature is bound to create more harm than good." END QUOTE
Hey "MB Allen," you should try Kalman's "fabric of life" line on the parents of a hospitalized kid sometime.
Kalman ignores the fact that the abuse, what he terms the "fabric of life," can vastly differ in severity and form. In addition, we are dealing with individuals, and workable solutions for some may prove ineffective for others.
For example, while many "common sense" problem focused coping strategies will work to deflect sporadic teasing from your average kid, they prove useless against more aggressive and persistent predators.
Look at the old "ignore them and they will go away" theory.
I’m not sure if Kalman espouses this, but it is an example that most are familiar with.
While some Gandhi-like problem based strategies will actually cause some kids to move on and find another suitable target, they may prove counterproductive in other situations. No doubt some aggressors will maintain a consistent level of aggressive behavior towards the victim, and be satisfied with the result, but others will choose to "turn up the heat" over time in order to elicit a physical response. In each case the aggressor remains focused on the target, despite his or her passive response.
Whatever the case may be, the end results are never good. The "turn up the heat" track often leads to the "he threw the first punch" justification. The "consistent level" paradigm may over time wear the victim down to the point of decompensation, leaving the victim unable to maintain defense mechanisms in response to stress. I won’t go into the autonomic nervous system, cortisol, or whatever here. The point in layman’s terms is that over time, one can tax the resistance needed to combat stress and a person’s ability to recover from it.
Some schools attempt peer mediation and will attempt to deescalate the situation by establishing a line of communication between bully and victim. However, some institutions seem to think peer mediation entails making the kids sit together at the same lunch table. Most often the schools are looking for pseudo-equitable solutions where they "won't be taking sides" and risk "dragging in the parents." While some bullies will end up stopping their behavior, most do out of a sense of embarrassment, and not acquired empathy. While the kid may be safe for the remainder of the school year, he'll certainly get his ass kicked during the summer.
ReplyDeleteThis is where Kalman steps in.
He is pandering to his target audience of potential clients consisting of schools, parents, law enforcement and more. He is in the business of selling his "system" to those who are seeking "a simple solution to bullying."
As I mentioned above, schools don't like "to take sides" and stir up the parents.
Likewise Kalman's Level 2 training includes how to “instruct school staff to respond to bullying between students in a way that actually reduces hostilities, so faculty can spend their time being educators rather than policemen. This approach takes much less time than investigating and punishing acts of bullying, so teachers can spend more time on academics.” In other words, the school won't even have to look into the matter. Level 2 training will also “teach you to instruct school staff how to effectively respond when they are confronted by angry students and parents.”
Unreal...
Kalman is also selling ersatz credentials so that one can be a "Certified Bullies to Buddies Trainer." Even more outrageous, following certification, you have to announce that "after taking the seminar their personal success rate in treating victims of bullying has been at least 75%" in order to be listed in his companies "directory." In other words, you have to affirm that his system works in order to be listed.
Just a heads up, the Rebirthers and Holding Therapy folks are RAD crackpots, not mental health professionals. Like Kalman, they have products and a fixed set of procedures that they sell. In the RAD case, generally to adoptive parents and guardians.
ReplyDeleteCan you call me "Fred" for the last three part post as well as this one? Thanks
I don't agree with his overall premise but the idea of tricking bullies into thinking that you're their buddy sounds appealing.
ReplyDeleteShortly after the massacre, I met someone in a chat room who claimed to have done just that. An incoming freshman was told by a friend who'd grown up there to "be seen" at football games, memorize the names and some of the stats of the athletes and to generally pretend to be a fan. He took the advice and had a much easier time getting through high school than he otherwise would have. He didn't make a bully into a buddy. He simply pretended to be one of the toadying sycophants that make up the bulk of the student population there.
ReplyDeleteFred,
ReplyDeleteI just found an old comment that somehow ended up in the spam box.
Sorry about the delay.
Hi, Fowl Ideas. It's me, Senor Anonymous. As it turns out, you did get my second comment.
ReplyDeleteOnce again, thank you for speaking out against Izzy. It sickens me that there are people who are stupid support him and his delusional ideas. Therefore, I'm in favor of anti-bullying laws. Anyone who's against those laws is stupid and blind.
Have you actually read all of Izzy's material - he makes a definite distinction between verbal comments and physical contact/assault. I find it amazing that so many of the comments here could themselves be considered to be bullying comments - calling someone stupid and blind....
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the soup pot Will.
ReplyDeleteNo, I haven't read "all" of Izzy's material, nor do I intend to. Obviously you haven't either or you would have provided a link to that "distinction."
I've read a lot of Mr. Kalman's stuff (all he has is a Master's degree - he is NOT a doctor or a real psychologist). Often the wording of comments that defend him is written in the same way he speaks, and I've seen comments on YouTube that defend him go back to sockpuppets. I've gotten very suspicious of any comments defending him. And no real psychologist does that.
ReplyDeleteI have also read the research studies that he talks about, and he twists and distorts the results. Psychologists are trined to evaluate research, and have an ethical responsibility to report the results accurately. But he does not like the results because they show that anti-bullying programs DO work, especially when they are in place year after year. He admits that NO research supports his methods. NONE. And in point of fact, that latest research shows that his methods don't work. This is another really good blog about him:
http://outlawcoms.blogspot.com/2012/02/4400-children-die-each-year-because-of.html
If you want to actually DO something about Mr. Kalman, he is going around the country convincing gullible school counselors that good, comprehensive, well-researched school anti-bullying programs DON'T work and his so-called "program," with absolutely NO research to back it up, does. Remember he says that kids should NOT report, and read "One Town's War on Gay Teens" in Rolling Stone and find out what happens when they are not allowed to report. They died. He works for a company called CrossCountry Education, which normally sends reputable mental health professionals out to give workshops. You can let them know what you think about them letting him represent them at:
ReplyDeletekrowe@crosscountyeducation.com
He also blogs for Psychology Today:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/psychological-solution-bullying/201201/why-are-so-many-kids-committing-bullycide
You can post comments on his blogs, letting him know what you think (it takes a while for them to go live, you don't need to post twice). You can also email the CEO, letting him know what you think about having this guy represent them:
http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/email_prof.php?profid=34087
Great post, I'm going to share the link around. No question this guy is a Terrorist by any reasonable definition of the word.
ReplyDeleteTo help put the damage done by Mr. Kalman, remember he is not a Doctor; neither MD nor PhD, in perspective - according to the Centers for Disease Control some 4,400 children commit suicide because they are bullied so relentlessly, death seems their only option.
Compare that to the death toll for the terrorist attacks of 9/11 - 2,752 Americans murdered. Our US Navy SEALs shot bin Laden dead under direct orders from POTUS and bin Laden never personally killed a single American.
Now, bin Laden reaped what he sewed and got exactly what was coming to him because he traveled the World teaching and preaching terrorism and supporting those who do terror.
This is exactly what Mr. Kalman does, he travels across the US and teaches and preaches to school officials, police, medical and mental health staffs; telling them to NOT help our kids when they're being bullied.
In fact Mr. Kalman tells officials to support the bullies and help them while blaming the victims.
And here's the real kick in the crotch - politicians like Nita Lowey NY 18th Congressional District - will not even speak out against Mr. Kalmam and in fact defend his right to preach and terror against our kids. Meanwhile she claims to support anti-bullying programs.
Here's a link to some more information about Israel Kalman - check it out and share the info with your friends and networks and please pressure our political masters to help us protect our kids... a dead child cannot ask for help but we can.
Read more here: http://ow.ly/9aoSr
Stephen,
ReplyDeleteBullying related suicides cause no harm to either the bully, the bully's parents, or any other bully enabler. Only the victim and his or her loved ones suffer. If all victims of bullying who were willing to give up their lives by suicide committed multiple homicides instead, how long would nitwits like Izzy Kalman be given credibility?
That is a terrific point and you are absolutely right and I'll go one further, being very careful with my wording here.
DeleteIf all the bullying victims and their families and friends were to HYPOTHETICALLY say hunt down terrorists like Izzy, how long would Izzy survive to preach and teach hate and hurt more of our kids?
He opposes any laws or rules that would protect our kids from bullies; while he lives in complete safety and under the very protection of those very same laws he says our children do not deserve.
Imagine if someone were to attack Mr. Kalman, I don’t believe he’s simply say, “Ooops, I’m sorry you felt the need to punch me in the face – it must be my fault,” I mean honestly its absurd and he is absurd.
I know I cannot do this and, of course will not, because it is illegal, lucky for Mr. Kalman, but I wonder how he’d react if I or anyone else for that matter showed up at one of his seminars and gave him a real lesson on how it feels to be a victim. I can only imagine how fast this coward would run to the police.
Orwell said it best, "People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf." Iszzy Kalman goes through life supporting terrorists who cause our kids to die knowing he is safe and secure because better men and women than he protect his rights and safety. And I admit, it bothers me.
Attacking Kalman is a bad idea for two reasons:
ReplyDeleteONE...The attacker would be arrested and almost certainly prosecuted. Our laws and our culture protect bullies and bully enablers while leaving victims naked in the snow. Anyone attacking him would be treated as a criminal.
TWO...Attacking him would have no effect upon his dumb and dangerous ideas. The best way to undermine his credibility is to ask pertinent questions. I'll be sending them to Mr. Kalman and posting them here soon.